The short answer
Use correct names for body parts, draw a clear line between surprises and secrets, and respect your child's "no" at home, including with your own affection. The goal is a child who has the words to describe what happened and the confidence that they will be heard.
Accurate language is protective
Teaching correct anatomical names, including for private parts, is one of the simplest protective steps available, for three reasons. A child with accurate vocabulary can describe an experience clearly enough for adults to act, whereas nicknames can lead to reports being misunderstood or dismissed. Accurate words reduce shame, and shame is what keeps children silent. And a person seeking to harm a child may perceive one who uses correct terms as a child whose parents discuss these topics openly.
Use the words as matter-of-factly as you would "elbow": at bath time, at the doctor's office, in an ordinary tone. Your neutrality signals that the subject is not shameful. Be equally clear about legitimate exceptions so the rule remains workable: a parent helping with bathing or toileting, or a medical examination with a parent present. None of these is ever a secret.
Surprises versus secrets
Requests for secrecy are among the most common ways abusers test and silence a child. Make the family rule unambiguous and repeat it often: "We don't keep secrets in our family, and no adult is allowed to ask you to keep one from me." That includes relatives, coaches, teachers, and people the family likes.
Give your child a practical distinction. A surprise is happy and temporary, like a birthday present. A secret is meant to stay hidden, and there are no secrets about bodies. Then add the essential reassurance: "You can tell me anything about an adult, and you will never be in trouble for telling." Say it well before it is needed, and continue saying it.
A child's "no" must be respected at home first
A child who learns that "no" is negotiable at home learns that "no" is negotiable. Everyday interactions are therefore where this is taught. Stop tickling the moment your child says stop, even if they are laughing. Treat hugs and kisses for relatives as optional, with a wave or high five as a complete alternative; if a grandparent is disappointed, that is an adult's feeling for the adult to manage. Ask before touching where it is reasonable to do so.
Teach children that their body's signals, such as a sinking feeling in the stomach or a racing heart, are meaningful information, and that "My body says no" is a complete sentence requiring no explanation. Then address the tactic most likely to be used: a child's no cannot be bought, whether with treats, toys, or praise for being "good."
If your child discloses something
Your response in this moment strongly influences whether your child will confide in you again. Remain calm, even if you are deeply upset. Listen, believe your child, and tell them, "I'm glad you told me. It's not your fault." Avoid pressing for details or asking leading questions; that is the job of professionals trained to interview children. Do not confront the person involved. Seek help the same day: in the U.S., contact the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453, your local child protective services agency, or the police.
Three sentences to repeat for years
- "Your body belongs to you. You are the boss of it."
- "We don't keep secrets. Surprises are fine, secrets aren't."
- "You can tell me anything, and you will never be in trouble for telling."
The advice to drop
"Go on, give Grandma a hug."
Overriding a child's reluctance for the sake of politeness teaches that an adult's wishes outweigh the child's own signals. Offer a choice instead, such as a hug, a high five, or a wave, and let the adult adjust.
Where this guidance comes from
- Darkness to Light — Body safety and Stewards of Children
- Children's Advocacy Centers of Pennsylvania — Teaching Kids Accurate Names for Their Body Parts Can Help Keep Them Safe
- Minnesota Children's Alliance — Child Abuse Awareness: Body Safety Rules
- Bravehearts — Identifying Body Parts and Personal Safety Education, briefing paper
- Childhelp — What to Do If a Child Tells You They're Being Abused
Last reviewed October 2026 by the Enchantably team against the sources above. This is general guidance for parents, not medical, legal, or emergency advice. In an emergency, call your local emergency number.
